Let me Tell you something about..."

Let me tell you something about lunchtime at PBS. When the bell rings everyone rushes like wild animals chasing its prey, When they get to their lunch they eat their sandwiches so fast, it’s like the speed of light. Once they finish they sprint down the stairs like baby gorillas, They all race to the four square grid just to play a game of handball, Once they get there, they wait for the person with the ball. If the person with the ball is not there yet they wait but same of the players play master. The people playing master shoot so fast you can hear “yay” every time. The younger students run around with lots of energy, they run like wild foxes. They’re like superheroes with lots of energy, because they don’t ever get tired of running. The person with the hand ball gets to the courts and every player runs to the line waiting to play, We can hear loud shouting and screaming, If the winner win’s they shout,  “Yahoo! I Win! I Win! I’m King!” The loser always replies by saying, “I’m going to get you out because you got me out!” or “I’m the real King, haha!”. But once the bell rings everyone still wanted to play so they keep playing for a few moments until the teacher tells them to go to class.

For today’s writing we had to partner up with the person were sitting next to, my partner was Joshua W. We did writing for 4 minutes, once the 4 minutes up we had to proofread it to each other, Joshua read my writing and his feedback was not to use got and get too much, He also told me to use more powerful words to make my describing clear. I tried to use language feature so we can hook in our reader.